The Real Cost of Raising "Well-Behaved" Kids

This morning my son told me he doesn’t want to go back to school...

Why? Because last Thursday he got punished for trying to help. He saw the assistant teacher struggling to make the class quiet. In his little 7-year-old mind, she was a small lady and needed help. So he stood up, made a loud “shhh,” and felt proud for backing her up. Instead, he was punished by the same teacher he thought he was helping and sent to sit alone in a corner, away from the group. No further explanation…

Now imagine what that does to a child’s brain. For him, the lesson wasn’t “don’t make noise.” It was: “Helping is wrong. School is unfair. Next time I won’t help anyone at all.” 

And then he asked me: Why was I the only one punished if everybody else made noise?

How do you explain fairness to a child this young? How do you tell him that yes, life isn’t always fair but that shouldn’t stop him from helping others or doing the right thing?
This is the kind of invisible weight kids carry. Not math, not spelling. But questions about fairness, belonging, identity, and whether their natural instincts are good or bad.

Now before I move forward with what happened next, I want to clarify something. This isn’t about a mother throwing a fuss because her child was punished and it’s definitely not about pointing fingers or saying I’m right and the teacher is wrong.

I believe in discipline. I believe children need rules, boundaries, structure and respect.  Without it, we risk raising children who cannot handle limits, who act out of impulse, or who believe they can do and say whatever they want without consequence. And you might hate me for this, but I also believe that not all children are the same, so they shouldn’t be treated equally. Some learn quickly, some struggle, some excel in academics, others in empathy or creativity, and some are still searching for their strengths. Education should reflect that. It should guide children firmly, but also fairly, in ways that help them grow rather than shame them.
So my message isn’t about handing every child a medal to not feel bad or pretending all behaviors are acceptable. It’s about understanding the difference between teaching self-control in kids and teaching submission. Between correcting a child to help him grow and punishing a child in a way that teaches him his instincts are wrong.

That’s the lens I want you to keep in mind as I share what I saw next. Because in the end you’ll see how my story might be more about you than about the modern school’s broken system.

So I went to school today to speak with the assistant teacher….

Before that, I’d already talked over the weekend with a few parents from the class. Their kids told them the same thing: whenever someone is “naughty,” they’re punished. But only the naughty ones. And this time, that “naughty” label fell on my son...

When I walked into his school the energy in the schoolyard was lovely; kids running to classes, some laughing, others waving hands to their parents as they were leaving, but once classes started the classrooms didn’t feel like an educational space for 7–8 year olds. It looked more like a detention center. Instead of curiosity, laughter, and the natural chaos of childhood, there was silence. Tiny bodies asked to sit still for hours. Screens replacing human interaction.(you would be surprised that in modern schools everything its done on a screen nowadays) And teachers focused on obedience more than discovery.

But dear parents do you know that at this age your kids brains are still developing the circuits for sustained attention and self-regulation? Expecting them to sit still and silent for 40 minutes straight, without interaction or movement, goes against how their nervous system is wired. Yes, they can learn math, science, reading and many schools do a wonderful job with structured activities. But it’s the in-between moments, when trouble starts. Because sitting in silence, waiting passively, is not natural at this age. The brain of a child this age is constantly seeking input: movement, sound, social signals. When that natural drive is blocked, it often spills out as fidgeting, whispering, blurting, or standing up. Not because the child is “naughty,” but because stillness without purpose is biologically hard. And to not mention that the high exposure to cheap dopamine that the young generation its addicted to,  doesn’t make it any easier.

Anyway, to be honest we put our son in a private school not because we believe here is where he will get best education. Because the real education in the sense of values, courage, emotional intelligence, attitude, character etc., it’s our responsibility as parents and we are in charge of that. But we chose a renowned school to ensure a safer environment, better facilities, general knowledge and of course if we’re not pretending…we all do it for the status and open doors later in life, you know, the certain network and privileged circles.

And still... it breaks my heart to see that even the best schools today follows a system meant to shape submissive kids not strong and functional ones. Of course school has to teach children to listen, to wait their turn, to respect others, etc. Those are important lessons for living in a community.

But just think of it: When a child is only allowed to speak when asked, when he always have to ask permission to share a thought, when good behavior is defined by how still and quiet they can sit, when their main reward is pleasing the teacher for stickers or approval status, I think that’s when compliance starts to look like the highest virtue. And those kids get praised as the “good ones.”

Now compare that with the child who can’t sit still for hours, who blurts out what he feels, who jumps in to defend a classmate even if it’s not his turn to speak, whose body buzzes with energy when tension builds up… That kid is usually labelled “naughty.” 

And the other kids watch, and they follow the teacher’s example. They too call him naughty. Not realizing that what they are actually seeing is a child being a child. A brain doing what it’s designed to do at that age: explore, move, stand up, feel, express.

Now think about the cost :
The first group  the “good” kids  will grow into adults who hide their feelings, who fake smiles at work, who silence their opinions to keep approval, who needs always guidance and who fear to be leaders and speak up their mind. Because when compliance is driven by behavioral inhibition( fear of doing wrong) there is a much higher risk of anxiety as they grow up.
Alice Miller’s book The Drama of the Gifted Child documents how children who are praised mostly for obedience or being “easy” often become adults who hide their true feelings, fake smiles, and perform for approval. If you grew up being “a good” kid who never caused any troubles, you might know exactly how it feels now that you are an adult…

And the second group, the “naughty” ones, either break under the label and believe they’re too much, or never good enough, or spend their lives fighting to justify their existence.
Labeling theory in sociology shows how being repeatedly called “bad” or “trouble” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Children start to internalize the label and either conform to it (“I am naughty”) or spend their lives overcompensating to disprove it. And research on teacher expectations done by Harvard and other top universities (the well known Pygmalion vs Golem effect) shows that how teachers perceive and label children directly affects those children’s academic and social outcomes.

So in the end, we might call it “discipline” but in reality what most of schools does nowadays it’s training children to suppress their emotions and disconnect from their instincts. Peter Gray (research professor of psychology at Boston College) has also written extensively on how the loss of play and free expression in modern schools contributes to rising rates of anxiety and depression in children and young adults. Because when you practice that for years, it becomes part of your identity and you carry it into adulthood.

Now if you’re wondering why I said that this story might be more about you than about the school, it’s because the truth is schools will never raise our kids the way we want them to. And they don’t have to. Their role is only to teach basic general knowledge, social rules, collaboration and exposure. And of course, ideally would be to not hijack all our efforts from home, by teaching children that compliance matters more than integrity, that respect means obedience, that worth is measured in grades and stickers, and that mistakes are something to fear instead of part of learning. And here it’s where your role as a parent makes a difference in your kid’s life because schools, no matter how good, will always focus on systems and structure, while it’s our job as parents to give them identity, courage, and the inner compass they need so they don’t lose themselves inside those systems.

So, yes, kids need to learn discipline, respect, and basic social norms, otherwise they’ll struggle to live in society. But what we adults often forget is that obedience without self-expression doesn’t create healthy adults. It creates adults who can follow rules but don’t know how to stand for themselves.

So when my child gets punished for speaking up his truth, I don’t tell him “the teacher is wrong” or “ignore the rules.” I tell him: “You did the right thing wanting to help. Next time, try to see when help is needed and when it isn’t. But don’t ever stop helping. Don’t you ever stop standing up for what you believe in and never hide your voice even if its shaking”

And you, dear parent, remind your child of this no matter what label they carry: “good” or “naughty.”
Remind them that their worth is not defined by stickers, grades, or how quietly they sit. It’s defined by the strength of their character. By how they treat others when no one is watching. By the questions they dare to ask and the truths they dare to tell.
Remind them that following rules is important, but not at the cost of their voice.
That respect is valuable, but so is courage. That patience has its place, but so does initiative.
Remind them that being a leader doesn’t always mean standing in front, sometimes it means standing up when no one else will. And that being themselves will not always make them the teacher’s favorite, but it will make them strong enough to face life outside the classroom.

Because at the end of the day, the goal is not to raise children who never get in trouble. The goal is to raise children who know the difference between right and easy, between approval and integrity.

Children who can walk into a world full of rules and still carry an inner compass that no system can break...

Until my next thought,
Larisa P.