Who is advocating for you?

It’s Sunday morning.
I’m on the terrace with my coffee. The air is chilly even if the sun is out. I can hear kids from the nursery next door laughing, shouting, doing their thing, and it feels so gooooood to know they are not mine and none of them demands anything from me right now. So, despite the noise made by their voices the morning is still silent at least in my mind. I’m not rushed.No one needs anything from me right now. That's peace.

When everything slows down, I realize how rarely it does. How most days I’m already in motion before I even notice myself. Thinking ahead. Analyzing. Managing. Adjusting. Carrying things without naming them.

I sip my coffee and I notice how still my body is.
And how busy my head usually is. How often I just handle things. How I don’t really stop to check if I want to. How “it’s fine/I’m fine” has become a reflex.

And right here I realize how automatic it is for me to be the one who notices first.

And somewhere between one sip of coffee and the next, this question pops into my mind: Who notices my limits the way I notice everything else? Who is advocating for me right now?

Before I tell you what I realized this morning I want to ask you the same question.

Who is advocating for you right now?

Who is actively representing your needs, limits, and best interest in real life, not just in your head?

Not who cares about you in general.
Not who loves you.
Not who would help if you asked.

But who is currently doing at least one of these things:

• Saying no on your behalf  or supporting you when you say no
• Noticing when you’re overloaded and adjusting expectations
• Speaking up when something isn’t fair, sustainable, or right for you
• Protecting your time, energy, health, or emotional space
• Taking your inner discomfort seriously before it turns into burnout or resentment

And there’s a second layer, which is the uncomfortable one:

Most of the time the answer isn’t another person at all. But if you have thought of somebody particularly while reading those questions then go ahead and ask yourself the next one:

Are you advocating for yourself right now or have you outsourced that role to somebody else?

I can see now how many people wait for a partner to notice, a boss to understand, a family member to change or for life to slow down

But advocacy doesn’t start there. It starts when someone is willing to say:
“This is not okay for me anymore, even if I can technically survive it.”

So what I discovered is that this question is really a mirror.
It helps you see whether your needs are being represented in the world or just quietly carried.

And once you really understand the question, the next step is not motivation. It’s observation.

Self-advocacy doesn’t begin with big conversations or bold boundaries. It begins with noticing where you are absent from your own decisions.

I thought of a few steps to make that visible in your life:

1. Track where you “go along” instead of choosing

For a few days, notice moments where you:
• say yes too fast
• explain yourself too much
• feel a small internal resistance but override it
• think “it’s fine” when it actually isn’t

You don’t need to change anything yet. Just notice the pattern.

2. Ask one grounded question in real time

When you feel pressure, pause and ask yourself (silently):

“If someone were advocating for me right now, what would they say?”

Not what they would feel.
What they would say or do.

Examples:
• “She needs more time.”
• “This expectation is unrealistic.”
• “This conversation should wait.”
• “She’s already carrying too much.”

This question externalizes your needs. It gives them a voice.

3. Start with micro-advocacy, not confrontation

Advocacy doesn’t have to be dramatic.
It often sounds boring, calm, and slightly uncomfortable.

Examples:
• “I can’t decide this today.”
• “I need to think about it first.”
• “This doesn’t work for me anymore.”
• “I need a different pace with this.”

That sentence is actually advocacy.

I finished my coffee by the time I finish this thought but before I moved on with my day I want to share my biggest takeaway.
What I realized is that not speaking up for yourself has a cost. And someone always ends up paying for it. And that someone it’s usually YOU...